When a loved one dies, we don’t completely lose them – they stay with us in our memories, photos, and objects.
The concept of continuing bonds acknowledges people can continue to be in our lives long after their death.
We may keep them in our daily lives by talking to photos of them, visiting their grave, or continuing traditions we did with them.
Continuing bonds suggests grief doesn’t have to mean severing ties with our loved ones when they die. Instead, the relationship can be adapted in their physical absence in a way that continues a connection. This contrasts with older theories of grief that emphasised ‘letting go’ and ‘achieving closure’.
We can prevent that detachment and work on maintaining the connection we had, keeping that person with us.
This concept is about taking them forward with us – in a way that’s healthy and comfortable, rather than overwhelming.
History and origins of the concept
The concept of continuing bonds was first introduced in 1996 in the book Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief, by Klass, Silverman and Nickman.
The authors felt our understanding of grief in the western world needed to expand and move away from the dominant theory – put forward by eminent psychologists, including Freud and Bowlby – of breaking attachment to the deceased, freeing the survivor to ‘move on’ and reinvest in new relationships.
Klass et al found that people naturally find places to continue their bond with relatives and friends after their deaths, and that such bonds are not denial, but an enriched way of functioning in the present.
They concluded that the healthiest way to cope with grief is to maintain a continuing bond with our loved ones.
Benefits of continuing bonds
The continuing bonds model is a more compassionate perspective on grief and acknowledges the enduring nature of love and connection after a loved one has died.
Klass et al found that remaining connected seemed to facilitate our ability to cope with loss and accompanying changes in our lives.
Continuing bonds appear to reduce feelings of isolation and loneliness; increase a sense of connection and comfort; help with the facilitation of meaning-making and emotional processing; and have a positive impact on personal transformation and growth.
Continuing bonds acknowledge grief is ongoing – it can become a more peaceful presence where warm memories can grow, staying connected to a loved one is normalised, as is everyday grief-related behaviours such as holding onto objects and daily habits.
Continuing bonds says that not only are these behaviours normal, but they may help you cope with grief. Below are some examples of continuing bonds:
Talking to your loved one
Talking or writing to your loved one, whether to a photo or by visiting their grave, can foster a feeling of continuing connection.
Continuing traditions
Keeping regular routines we did with our loved ones – walks in nature, visits to special places, social events – can maintain our sense of ‘normality’ and closeness to our loved one during the difficult transition after their death.
Special object or keepsake
A special object or keepsake can help those in grief feel they are still connected to their loved one. It could be an inherited object, or something that holds a symbolic meaning for the deceased.
Tia Clarke carries a blue knitted heart from Hospiscare to remind her of her uncle and carries it on walks and adventures.
When Tia’s uncle died, she received a blue heart from the ward team and a matching heart was placed in her uncle’s hand. For Tia, this has been an immense source of comfort and she now carries her uncle on “blue heart walks”.
She said: “To channel my grief into something meaningful, I take the blue heart with me on walks and adventures. It’s my way of carrying my uncle with me, letting him live through my experiences. I document each moment, so he can still see the world through my eyes and through my love.”
Celebrating special days
This could be ritual dates on the calendar – your loved one’s birthday or death day, anniversaries etc.
In South American countries, All Souls’ Day is celebrated for this purpose. Whole families attend cemeteries, where they sit at their loved ones’ graves, eating, drinking and playing favourite songs, and adorning the graves with flowers and candles. This form of celebration is rising in popularity around the world, as the continuing bonds concept is embraced more widely.
Memory box
Loved ones’ belongings and photos can be stored in a memory box, which can be opened and the objects looked at and held, to feel a continued connection to them.
In-memory events or fundraising
From creating a Facebook fundraiser to joining an event or taking on a challenge in memory of a loved one, there are many ways that grief can be channelled into making a difference.
Transforming the relationship
As well as helping loved ones to grieve, the continuing bonds model proposes that the relationship with a loved one transforms, rather than ends, after death. It acknowledges that love and connection can endure and be integrated into the bereaved person’s ongoing life.
Instead of ‘letting go’, the relationship evolves and adapts as the bereaved person finds ways to incorporate their loved one into their present life, honouring their memory and continuing to learn from their influence.
Continuing bonds releases the grieving person from a timeline of grief. There’s no specific timeframe for when a continuing bond is considered ‘normal’ or ‘healthy’. It’s a personal process of finding what works for the individual.
